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Anxiety

My head swirls, stomach clenches, chest hurts,

I force my breathing to remain even

Just for something to hold onto

Tap the thumb of one hand against each finger…

Twothreefourfivefourthreetwothreefourfivefour…

Try to breathe

Remember to breathe

…Threetwothreefourfivefourthreetwothreefour…

Look at surroundings, process slowly… slower… breathe…

Concentrate on staying in the moment,

Bringing the Now into focus, breathing

…fivefourthreetwothreefourfivefourthreetwo…

Taptaptaptap taptaptaptap taptaptaptap

Breathing, focusing, tapping…

Try to find some place quiet

Close eyes, breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Open eyes, slowly.

Look around.

Process.

Breathe.

No one to be there for

I found myself in those moments with you,

When you needed me,

When I could hold your hand,

Sit with you,

Be there no matter what…

You don’t need me like that now.

 

I found myself in those moments of helping,

Of being the one to listen

Her lifeboat as she drowned,

Taking the hurt that dragged her down

So she could float…

She doesn’t need me like that now.

 

I found myself in those moments of protecting,

Being the adult and guide for them,

Showing them new things,

Helping them understand scary ones,

Teaching them to fit in…

They don’t need me like that anymore.

 

And I am so, so lost.

Words

Some days my words are strong;

My defining feature, they run in rivulets,

Streaming down the page, lighting up my thoughts,

Giving me voice, dancing from my mind

To the minds of others, describing,

Showing, explaining…

They are my power.

Other days, though, I am dumb.

My words will not flow.

My voice silenced.

I am alone.

For so many people

I feel constrained by the glass wall in my mind between myself and my words,
feel my Self watching the attempts to express feelings and thoughts as I shout unheard,
Unable to explain the world I see from inside the glass cage, my mind, words trapped inside and I don’t know how to tell you that I love you.
And I can’t make my voice loud or big enough to tell you of your beauty, which despite dazzling me seems something you can’t see and I don’t know how to show you.
Beautiful. And even if I could say I know you wouldn’t believe cause I’m the same when people say it to me but still… if I could try…
Some days, sometimes I am throwing myself against the wall and screaming, unable to find words with deep enough feeling to express my meaning and you…
You can’t hear me.
And it kills me.